Terrible/Perfect

Geek love

I found this post about things "men" supposedly hate about "women" super funny. The dysfunctional relationship dynamics, broken communication and total emotional illiteracy the original piece unintentionally speaks to are so far from the DNA of my own partnership (as it currently stands, let's not tempt fate with hubris) that they exist in an entirely different taxonomic kingdom.

What made me really laugh/cry for the poor guy that wrote the original article is that my husband and I have been doing a bit of negotiating around "me" time for him. Although, wait. I should get this out of the way before I proceed any further: to begin with, we're talking about an advice article on eHarmony here, and judging by his writing, the guy who wrote it resembles in no way any partnered, adult male that I personally know. He sounds more like some dudes I knew...well, maybe never. I'm pretty sure I have never have been actual friends with anyone that has such a funhouse mirror view of "women". Anyway. I absolutely "understand and/or like [his] need for alone time." Good gracious. I've been urging my dude out the door for some surfing or beers with some man-bros or whatever for years now. He's a homebody, though, and prefers to spend time with me and our kids (for reals, it's pretty sweet). 

But! He suddenly has a D & D game going with some wonderful guys, which is SO! GREAT! I'm stoked for him.

Except, the man-bro-geeks he's doing this with are accustomed to some pretty late nights, and we've been struggling to figure out if this works for us. I'm certainly willing to give up one night a week with him if it recharges him and gives him respite from the family cloister, but we're running into logistical issues: I have a very hard time sleeping when he's rolling in after 1 a.m. (I imagine this is what I get to look forward to with older teenagers), he's in need of sleeping in dramatically the next morning OR he needs a nap the following day OR he's passed out on the couch by 7 p.m. and any way you slice it he's kind of cranky all day. So you know what? Maybe this doesn't work out for him as a once a week, every week gig, because it doesn't work for our family.

You see, the thing is, guy from eHarmony, if someday you meet a pair of boobs you want to marry, presumably after you stop thinking that your "behavior" should be sufficient communication about any and all matters interpersonal, you'll have a totally different perspective on the place of "me" time in the ultimately interdependent web of family life. You might, like my awesome dude, say "I like hanging out, but this particular thing is pretty disruptive and puts an undue strain on you, so I don't mind giving it up." And because you've made a good, grown-up choice in the boobs you've married, those boobs will say "I really want this to work out for you, so let's try to figure out some solutions. Also I will be needing a regular ladies' karaoke night or a book club at some point in the very near future."

See how that works?

Adult. Relationship. It's awesomesauce.

If you're single and want some advice, I'll give you some: don't date that dude at eHarmony.

In essentials, I believe, he is very much what he ever was.

We had an extremely rough Father's Day.

My husband and I don't fight much at all; most of our disagreements are settled quickly and respectfully. We're both good at introducing humor to diffuse bad feelings. I'm very fortunate.

But sometimes we really fall down. Who doesn't?

Unfortunately we did just that two nights ago and it took a long, long time to find our way to a place where we could unpack the hurt we were both feeling and look at it all clearly. We did, and we were able to reconcile completely. He turned out to be a little bit out of line, and I turned out to be a lot out of line in the way I dealt with his little bit of out of line-ness, and we walked out of the day having been torn down a fair bit but rebuilt even better.

And my God, I thought. The man I married is so good.

Everyone goes into marriage having made some decisions, consciously or otherwise, about what is most important in a partner and in a partnership. When I met my husband-to-be I had the luxury of coming off a couple of really shitty relationships having done deep soul-digging and psychological repair work of my own, and had decided that what was most important to me in a long-term partner (foundationally, underlying a handful of other "musts" like a wicked and unabashedly dorky sense of humor) was a steady character, a willingness and ability to deeply commit, and a fundamental understanding of and appreciation for the necessity of respect.

I met him, within two years I married him, and I got all of that.

"A steady character" sounds right out of the pages of an advice pamphlet for early 20th century young women looking to marry well, but marriage is not always a smooth sail on the U.S.S. Happy Times. It's a long sea voyage, sometimes quiet, sometimes stormy, best undertaken in a sound vessel with strong and even hands on deck. It's a voyage on the Golden Hind, or, if you want to have a bit more fun, the Queen Anne's Revenge.

I expect to have a son in a few months and the idea of raising a son, boy into man, is a little daunting. I shouldn't worry. He will grow up with a father who, though terribly imperfect as we all are, is a good man. A man who deeply respects women, who lives out his values of loyalty and commitment, and who is, against what seems like all odds in this age of moral ambiguity, selfishness and the expectation of instant gratification, a true gentleman.

I re-learned that about my husband yesterday. And, lo, it made me realize that I want to be a better wife. Old-fashioned, again? Sure. But by the time we're completely grey I suspect we'll have set up a tidy little mutual appreciation society. We'll cross the country with a small Airstream trailer and a Corgi named Frodo Baggins, thoroughly comfortable and doting. There will be knitting.

I think we have a decent shot at that future, of walking through a long life hand in hand, in no small part because he has, frankly, chosen to be better than he really has to be.

Which means that, for me, for the demands of my heart and soul, I chose wisely.

Just like Indiana Jones.

-ton

Husband: I was thinking about photons...

Me: Well I was thinking about Tauntauns.